As of last week Ritz and I are officially divorced. If you've wondered why i've been absent for a good chunk of the summer, it's because my life has been filled with everything surrounding this life change. There isn't really a good way to let people know, but I figured this is the easiest way to pass along that information so bear with me. There also isn't a good way talk through this, but maybe answering a few questions openly which i've already received from some of you might provide clarity.
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So obvious question...what happened?
The short version is we both hurt each other over the Spring through bad patterns and massive miscommunications that left us both heavily wounded. Ritz asked if we could be separated for a time and try and work things out, so I moved out of The Villa and we started the hard work of counseling and processing emotionally to try to get back to a place of health in our relationship. Over the first half of the summer, through added miscommunication and unintentionally wounding each other further, we were left even more raw than when we started. In the beginning of July, Ritz filed for divorce and we began the two month process of untangling our lives. Though I wanted to stay in the marriage and work through our issues together, she did not feel the same.
Well...damn...how are you doing?
Not well would be a severe understatement. This is easily the hardest thing i've ever experienced by a wide margin and it doesn't get any better because we are done with it all. I'm generally extremely tired and sad, but trying to set aside ample time to grieve and process through it all. More in survival mode than anything else; attempting to take it in stride and let life happen as it will as I slowly move through the aftermath.
What is your relationship with her right now like?
Mostly non-existent. We are pretty distant, cold and business-like to each other when we do communicate unfortunately. We'd both like to try to rekindle some kind of relationship after some time has passed, but for now the wreckage between us is causing a lot of relational issues. Is it awkward? Yeah, it is. Can you still invite both of us to an event? Yeah, you can. We'd still love to see you, ya know.
How does it feel?
Oh man...
It feels like dying a little bit more in every moment a bit more than the last. Like every breath is somehow shorter than the one before it. Like each sunset comes a little bit faster into a darker night which seems to never end.
It feels like being lit on fire and drowning in the depths all at once.
It feels sad. The kind of sad sunk so deep in the bones it makes you wonder if it will ever leave before you die. Sadness that makes you think, "If there was anything in all the world to be sad about, it is this."
It feels like hopelessness. Like an eternal eclipse that blocks out the whole of the sun and refuses to give way to the light.
It feels like standing in the middle of a bomb site and looking around to find nothing but ashes for as far as the eye can see before remembering you were hugging the bomb.
It feels like waking up each morning in a pool of your own blood. Impossibly endless blood that never stops pouring out from a wound which refuses to close.
It feels like being broken. Broken in ways you didn't know people could break - a fracture of the soul. But more than that, apart from the internal shatter, there's a sense at the deepest level that the universe itself has been torn asunder. A personal recognition of The Fall etched in the reality of each waking moment.
And then there's the feelings which don't have words. The feelings which rise to the surface when you start to think about the ideas behind the experience. When the heart begins to realize the person it has told its secrets to, trusted, built a life with, loved sacrificially and imagined a future with isn't coming back. That a person who promised to never leave...lied. It makes the heart wonder. Makes it question whether it was wrong this whole time. Whether the past was a mistake and the future can't be trusted. Or if it was foolish to make people a priority and love at all.
That was...uhh...bleak. Is there anything I can do?
Encouraging words and quality time spent together are valuable right now. Our community has already done such a good job loving and caring for us both in this time of crisis and hurting - we are so incredibly blessed by each of you. In the coming months being reminded of truth and finding comfort in the bonds of friendship will be particularly healing for me in particular. Also, your understanding and relational patience as we interact since for me the coming season will involve a fair amount of coming in and out of community as I take time away from the world in spurts to let God work and find solace in the beauty of nature.
What can I pray for?
Healing. Wholeness. Reconciliation between us. Better eyes to see the beauty surrounding me. Rest for my weary soul. Sleep for my body. Pretty much anything that comes to mind, i'll appreciate intercession for.
What's next?
Not sure, honestly. Right now it's a one-day-at-a-time sort of thing. More about surviving than planning for the future. You don't run marathons with a mangled leg, as they say. Taking a step back in the short term to not only grieve but pull out a new canvas for my life and begin to explore what to include in it. It feels very much like starting over, except from an extremely rough place. Everything is changing, and i'm not sure where some big chunks will land. Fortunately, I know i'm staying in Austin permanently and for the foreseeable future staying in the same job. Things like where home will be next, and where to direct my time and energy and community efforts are still waiting to be painted on. So...we'll see. The next 1-12 months will be formative in a way i've not known before.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for being a friend of mine. Even if I don't get to see you soon, know I am thinking of you.
Miss and love you. :)